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Contrasting Parents
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Introduction
- Armando Sanchez
Hello, I trust that all is
well with you. In this issue, I will give you two example of
how two different parent handle the same challenge. The first
parent felt that her child is her property and will try to control
her by not allowing her child to experience the outcome of her
choices. You will also see how the problem is exasperated and
drawn out for years. The parent then says that their child is
difficult while all along the parent is playing the starting
role in the drama. Yet, all this will be done in the name of
love.
The second parent sees her child
as an individual and trusts her child's ability to come to her
own conclusions about life, based on her own experience. You
will also see how a solution was unnecessary since a problem
was never created.
Parent
#1
It was a Saturday afternoon and a seven year-old girl named
Malisa came running down the stairs excited after seeing her
friend playing outside. As she ran to her mother, Malisa said,
"Mommy, Mommy. I want to go outside and play with Ester."
Mom said, "Ok, but it's snowing outside. You have to wear
your coat." The little girl replied, "No, I don't
want to wear my coat." Mom said, "You have to wear
your coat. It's cold outside and you will get sick." Malisa
replied, "I don't need my coat. I won't get sick, I promise."
As the mother tried to force
the coat on her child the little girl started to pull away
and cried. The mother repeated, "If you want to go outside
you have to wear your coat. It's cold out and you will get sick."
The child again replied, "No! I am not going to get sick.
I don't want to wear my coat." Mom repeated, "If
you don't wear your coat you can't go outside." Malisa rebelled and
ran under the table crying. For the next few years,
every time Malisa had to wear her coat it usually became a power
struggle.
Parent
#2
It was a Saturday afternoon and
Malisa, a 7 year old girl, came running downstairs excited after
seeing her friend playing outside. She ran to her mother and
said, "Mommy, mommy can I go outside and play with Ester?"
Mom said, "Ok, but it's snowing out you have to wear your
coat." Malisa said, "I don't want to wear my coat."
The mother asked, "Why don't you want to honey?" "Because
I can't move my arms when I play," replied
Malisa. The mother said, "Yea I know, it is a bulky coat.
But if you don't wear it, you may get cold." The little
girl responded, "I won't get cold Mommy, I promise!"
The mother asked "Are you sure? Because it looks cold out
with all that snow." "No Mommy," said Malisa, "I won't get
cold." "OK honey, You can go outside and play with Ester
but if you happen to get cold your coat will be right here on the banister."
Malisa ran out the door to play
with Ester. A few minutes later, Mom looked out the window and
saw Malisa playing up a storm, as she wiped her sniffles with
her sleeves. A short while later, Malisa came inside, ran by
her mother and said, "I love you Mom," and grabbed
her coat and ran back outside. Whenever Malisa's mom suggests
wearing her coat in the future Malisa usually listened.
In the first example, we see
that Malisa was not allowed to experience the consequence of
her choice. The mother felt she was right, which she was, but
felt the need to control the situation instead of allowing
for the solution to emerge on it own terms. The situation escalated
into a power struggle because the parent felt powerless over something
they felt they own and controlled.
The only way a parent can nurture
their child's individuality is to allow them to have their own
experience and to draw their own conclusions. In this case,
the child needed the experience of becoming cold and perhaps
even sick to know she needed to wear her coat when she goes
outside in cold weather. I believe even if the child did get
sick it would have made life easier for the parent in the long
run, since the child had experienced the consequence of her
decision not to wear a coat when it is cold out.
By allowing a child to choose
and experience the outcome of their choices they will start
to learn the responsibility of making decisions. Then, wearing
their coats will not be an issue, since their experience
have concluded a need for one.
Many parents have a problem accepting
they are truly powerlessness over their children. A parent that believes they
are not, may have aready done damage to thier child. Lets get clear that thier
is a difference between controlling and influencing your child.
Influence is much more effective than control, because with influence
you teach with your spirit, and with control you preach with your ego.
The problem that influencing presents is that a parent can only
influence by example and not words. Far too many parents preach what they do
not practice.
I believe we take
too much responsibility for our children. Many times, we want
to play parent to the point where we try to fill God's shoes,
only to fail miserably. How do we know that? Because the child
starts to resist their parents, and the parent begin to say, "I
have a difficult child." When in truth the parent is controlling,
which in turn stagnates the child's natural potential
and development. Who would not rebel when the very fiber of your being is being
imprisoned. Nevertheless, the inability of a parent to see their own behavior
does not allow them to be honest with themselves.
I would like to add that being right is not important here.
What I think is important is to relinquish ownership of our
children and to release them to themselves. We do that by allowing
them to experience the outcome of their choices regardless of
our fears. The earlier in childhood this is done the more successful
their lives will be. The child will learn that their life experience
will confirm what they believe. When children believes in themselves they believe
in the power that created them.
There is a children's hospital in the United States that treats
children with terminal illnesses which understands this concept
well. The hospital strongly suggests to the parents to continue
with the child's treatment as long as the child wants it. The
moment the child no longer desires to fight their illness, the
hospital suggests to the parents to honor their child's wishes.
They believe the child is the only one who can make that choice.
I believe this hospital is on the cutting edge in treating children
as individuals. They honor these children by honoring their choices.
When a child is raised as "property"
they either become followers or rebels. As followers, they
will simply accept what they are told as truth, without the benefit
of their life experience to support it. As rebels, they resist life.
Either way they lose.
There is also a deeper issue
at hand here. Most parents judge themselves. They believe that
a good parent will not allow their child to get sick. Therefore,
the stakes are high. They say to themselves, "If my child gets sick
that means I am failing as a parent." Some parents will go to great length
to avoid the emotional pain of self-judgement even at the cost of their
child's well being. Because many parent's lives are filled with pain to
begin with. A little bit more and their lives becomes unbearable.
All this is done unconsciously, of course.
With the second parent, we see
how the child was allowed to experience the consequence of her
choice which confirmed to her she needed her coat when it's cold
out. Now, whenever the parent suggests wearing her coat it usually
is a non-issue.
Quote of the month:
Love gives all and requires nothing.
Neale Donald Walsh
In our next issue
I will take this simple technique and apply it to a more complex
issue I personally experienced with my son and his school grades.
The problem may appear bigger and more complicated, however
the solution is still the same.
Thank you for your time we will see you next month. Remember
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