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Parenting with a Positive Vision
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Introduction
- Armando Sanchez
I am going to share with you an experience I had with my son and his
school grades. I think this example clearly explains the power
of allowing our children to experience the consequences of their
choices. When we do this we relinquish ownership and release
them to their individuality and potential.
Parenting with a positive
vision
My son had always received good grades
in school. In fact, he made the honor roll many times. However,
when he reached Jr. High School things started to change. He often
arrived late to school and cut classes. Needless
to say, his grades dropped like the economy.
His mother and I became very
concerned about his behavior. We monitored him closely.
I questioned him several times about his drastic change toward school.
His answer was alway the same, "I just don't like school."
I visited with his guidance counselor
several times to see if I could get some answers. She meet with
his teachers then told me that my son is highly intelligent,
but is always late, cut half his classes and never does his homework.
His mother and I thought if we
restricted his access to the Internet he would shape up, since
he loved being On-line. However, when we received his progress
report in the following weeks nothing changed. We then didn't allow
him to go out after school or have any friends visit, and yet
still nothing. Then we took what we thought was the ace card
and removed his Sony Play Station and Nintendo 64 from his
room, and still nothing. The scary part was he did not even
protest. He simply went into his room and read books. We thought
about taking his books away but decided not to since we always
encouraged him to read.
Things just got worse. He stopped
going to most of his classes altogether. I really began to
worry. I started to wonder where he was going when he cut his
classes, what he was doing and with whom he was doing it with.
I found my imagination and emotions
having a field day with me. I had to stop the mental drama by
reminding myself of the strong relationship we have with our son and
about the talks we had about drugs and alcohol.
I also thought about his positive self-image, which always made
him the leader of the group. This puzzled me more, since usually
a person with his intelligence and self-esteem would do well
in school.
I once again questioned him about
cutting his classes. And this time he said, "Because the teachers
of the classes that I cut don't treat me with respect. They
can't control the class and they freak out and start yelling
at me, even when I haven't done anything wrong. I don't like
people yelling at me when I do something wrong but I accept
it because I did wrong, but when I don't do anything wrong
I just wouldn't put up with it. I tell my teachers not to yell
at me and they don't listen, so I just don't go to their class."
This concerned me because it
has been years since I yelled at my son, and usually with yelling
come defeating words. I went to school with my son to meet with
the principal. We expressed our concern about a particular teacher
my son told me about. Ironically, the principal said to my son
what I have told him the day before. He said, "We can't
control how other people treat us. If we allow their behavior
to influence our behavior in a negative way, we give them
power over our lives."
The teacher was called to the
office to discuss the issue with everyone present. I asked my
son to express his feelings to the teacher, which he did. As
I expected the teacher made some points about my son, however
he was not willing to recognize his own behavior and very little
progress was made. When we left the principle's office I said
to my son, "I don't think the teacher is going to change,"
and he replied, "I don't either." I then said, "The
only real option here is for you to change." He laughed
and said, "No! I don't like it when people yell at me for
no reason. I am not going to class."
The problem continued and he
failed several classes. I started to worry and my imagination
ran rampant agian. I saw him failing for the year, eventually dropping
out of school and being unable to keep a steady job, much less
a good paying one. I remembered thinking to myself, "He
can't fail the school year!"
As I look back today I see my
determination of making my son do something he had no desire
for, as my sign of feeling powerless (fear). Nevertheless,
the insanity continued when we sent him to stay with family in
another state so he can go to a private school. We thought
if we could change his environment, he would change too.
He stayed with his aunt, uncle
and cousin, and attended a private school for ten months from
which his grades drastically improved. However, a month after
sending him back from summer vacation, I received a call from
him telling me how much he missed us. I told him, "I miss
you too, and I would like to have you back home but you will
have to wait until the semester is over."
A few days later to my surprise
he showed up at home. His aunt and uncle brought
him back and said, "We don't think it's a good idea to
have him stay with us unless he wants to be there." I was
really glad to have him back home. We only agreed to send him
away for his own good, I thought.
This time his mother suggested
putting him in a different school in our community, so he would
not have any of the same teachers. I did not think that was
going to work since I believed most of our teachers are
stressed out in our school system.
Everything went well for a little
while until the drama started again. This time I refused to
worry. I sat my son down and said to him, "I love you.
I would do anything for you except to continue using you as
my reason to disconnect myself from my Source. I just
don't think there is a reason good enough to leave God's side,
not even for you. Every time I worry about you, I do just that.
And it is something I have been doing for awhile
now. Living in a disconnected state is not helping me nor you.
I am going to stop trying to control your life and allow you
to experience the consequences of your choices. Even if it means
you have to fail school. In fact, I think you may even need
that experience." He simply replied, "Ok."
The next day my son and I met
with his guidance counselor and she asked me what I thought
we should do. I answered, "We should just let all of this
play out. If he wants to fail then so be it." She replied,
"I don't think you should say that because he may think
you don't care." I said, "I think the problem is he
knows I care to where I take responsibility for his problems.
By doing that I keep postponing whatever he needs to learn and
experience.
After releasing my ownership
attitude I had towards my son I was able to see him for the
individual he was. And by releasing control, something significant
happened. I allowed the advice and guidance that my Source was
offering me, through me. The advice was, "Hold a positive
vision of him. See him expressing his talents and abilities and
succeeding in life."
I began to visualize my son doing
well in school and succeeding in life. As I did, I felt good
and send positive energy to him. I slowly began to believe in
his ability to create a solution to his problems.
I didn't realize by taking ownership
of his problem I was contributing to it. I did this everytime I tried
to fix it for him. The message I was sending was he coundn't solve his
problems. But then again this is the message that parents send their
children when they see them as their property.
A solution can only be found where the
problem is. When a parent takes ownership of thier child's problems
they look in the wrong place for the solution.
Suddenly, fear crept in and said,
"This is to easy to work, you better put your gloves back on
and fight this out." I responded, "You are right. This would
be easy, only if he wants a solution and if he doesn't there is nothing
I could do except to sacrifice our relationship in the fighting. After all,
we have the same Divine Source which is his true parent. I am just his
facilitator. My job is to facilitate my son's connection to his Divine Source.
The only way I am able to do that is through my example.
To make a long story short he
just called me up to brag about his grades for his final exams.
He received 1 A+, 2 A-'s, 1 B+ and 2 B's. He passed with a "C"
average for the year. A great feat for someone who was failing
just about all of his classes earlier in the school year.
What really blew me away was
when he later said to me, "I just needed you to leave me alone
and let me do it my way." I felt good because that statement
confirmed to me that allowing him his process worked. I proudly
said, "I knew you could do it. I knew you had it in you,"
and meant it.
I believe the magic happened
when I relinquished control (ownership) of my son's life, allowing
him the opportunity to fail. By doing so, I returned responsibility
of his life back to him and gave him the opportunity to connect
within himself and grow.
I admit many times in my life
I forget what I know works. This happens when I worry or become
afraid, which disconnects me from my Divine Source, which then
makes me want to control. I have discovered I don't have access
to any real solutions while I stand in the space of fear.
If I want to be of true value
to my son, I would have to connect to my Source first. The only
way I am able to do that is to hold a positive vision of my
son while he is disconnected. That way if he wandered off too
far my vision of him would be the guiding light back. Were I
went wrong was envisioning him failing school and dropping out.
Just imagine trying to help someone while holding a negative vision
of them and sending them negative energy.
What is important to mention
is by holding a positive vision for our children we feel good,
and we influence them at an unconscious level. However, we can
only influence them if they too want the same thing. In the
case of my son he wanted to do well in school, if he honestly
didn't, I had to accept I was powerless over his choice.
This is where many parents go
wrong. They would rather sacrifice the relationship then to
admit they are powerless over their property. The truth is people
try to control when they feel powerless, and far to many parents
believe they are not good parents if they don't have control
over their children. So they constantly get into power struggles
with them. All that does is keep them both disconnected
from their Source, hence the downward spiral of their
relationship. As I said earlier, there is not a reason good
enough to justify leaving my Creator's side. It is also fair
to say I sometimes lack the skills needed to maintain my connection,
but as I practice my connection, the better I get at it.
In addition to this, it also
feels foreign to feel good when things appear to be going wrong.
Nevertheless, that is the only way to create the highest solution
possible. To take action from a place of disconnection will
only produce temporary results at best.
Looking back I can clearly
see if it were not for letting go of the traces of ownership
I still had towards my son, I could have potentially traumatized
him and caused long term damage to our relationship.
When I surrendered to the idea
of his individuality and his need to experience his life on
his terms I facilitated in allowing a solution to emerge. For
that, "I thank God for granting me the serenity to accept
the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things
that I can and the wisdom to know the difference" (Serenity
Prayer).
Quote of the month:
Positive power lies in positive thinking.
The Rain
In our next issue
Hear what a parent had to say when he went in front of our country's
leaders to speak on behave of our children. His message is powerful!
Thank you for your time we will see you next month. Remember
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