It's a hot summer morning, my family and I are rafting down a lazy Pennsylvania river. The sun is out and the birds are singing. We are having lots of fun, splashing and pushing each other into the river. At one point I filled a large bucket with water and not realizing my strength, I swung it, splashing my 12-year-old son in the chest and face. To my shock my son responded with, "What the @#$% are you doing!" I have to tell you, my son never spoke to me in a loud voice before, much less curse at me. I felt like I was kicked in the gut. I was shocked.

Anger began to rise within me as I thought to myself, "Who the hell he think he is, talking to his father like that! And how dare he embarrass me in front of all these people!" By the time I was done with my inner dialogue, I was in the grips of my anger. In my mind I saw myself slapping him into the river. I knew if I allowed my anger to control me I would act out the images in my mind.

This was a critical moment because whatever I did next was going to determine the path I was going to lead my son to. The problem is I always reacted with anger, and my anger at the very least, was going to strip him of his spirit.

I knew if I wanted to be of any value to my son, I would have to make new a choice. In order to do that I would have to re-connect to my Source first. In my effort, I turned to my Source and said, "I am angry because I feel powerless. Please help me!"

Suddenly, I couldn't help but notice the treetops gently swaying in the wind, as if nature was waving at me to get my attention. I slowly turned away from my son and focused on the beauty that surrounded me. I became absorded by the gentleness of the wind caressing my face, and the soothing sound of the ruffling leaves, and the healing rhythm of the flowing river. The knot in my stomach began to disappear.

Some time has passed and I found myself laughing and playing again. As I regained my connection to my Source I asked, "How should I handle this situation with my son?"

The trip down the river finally came to an end. As I pulled the last raft out of the water, I saw my son standing by the truck. In that moment, I received an inspiration to walk over and talk with him. As I opened my month, unsure of what I was going to say, I put my arm around him and said, "I believe you deserve to treat yourself with more respect than that." He replied, "Uh huh." I gave him a kiss and walked away.

All of a sudden my ego, through my inner dialogue, jumped in and said, "You can't let him get away with just saying that, you have to at least punish him. He is going to think that he can get away with that behavior and he will do it again in front of other people. Who does he think he is anyway. You are the father. He better respect you!" I felt my anger returning as I turned back towards my son. I stopped myself and said, "Armando, you have asked the Universe for help and this is what you where inspired to do. Don't question it." My ego angerly interjected, "You have to punish him! He is not going to listen to that "respect yourself crap!" He didn't even say he was sorry for cursing at you!" I was suddenly confused with what to do. But with great effort I chose to listen and trust my feelings (spirit). To be honest, I wasn't sure if this new approach to parenting was going to work, only time was going to tell.

Five years have passed and much has happened since, but one thing my son never did was to disrespected himself like that again.

I realized I became angry because my ego took ownership of my son's behavior. Where as my spirit wanted to leave responsibility of the behavior with the owner.

Many parents believe they are responsible for what their children do. I say we can't be responsible for anybody else's behavior unless we become reponsible of our own first. Once we the parents are, we set an example. And with the clarity of our example we guide or influence our children. I feel this is the best way to parent and teach.

Ego defines itself with what other people think, say or do. And spirit defines herself with how she responds to what other people think, say or do.

I initially reacted to my son from ego (anger), instead of spirit (love). Because it was the only thing I have learned to do from how I was parented. Therefore, I repeatedly responded with anger. I was unaware that I had a choice. Then to compound the problem, I held my son responsible for my unconscious behavior.

This is how we become powerless without realizing it. We keep making the same unconscious choice, while expecting different results. This cycle of insanity starts and ends with blame. We say things like, "It's your fault I am angry," or "You make me mad."

What we are in essence saying is, "I have no control over myself, I give control of my life to you." The problem with that is giving someone that much power and responsiblity over our own life will soon make them resentful towards us.

I believe it becomes imperative to understand that accepting responsibility breeds love and blaming breeds anger, period! This is a Universal law. And unlike mans laws Universal laws are absolute. We can break man's laws and drive beyond the speed limit, but no one, absolutely no one, including the angels in the heavens can break Univeresal laws. However, some parents insist that they can, by believing that blaming can create love.

I believe this is where many parents get caught up. We unconsciously blame our children for how we feel and behave. This is due to our inability to accept responsibility of ourselves by managing our thoughts and feelings.

In order to drive my point home I will use the analogy of the orange. If you had an orange in your hand and squeezed it, and brown spoiled juice came out of the orange, where does the problem lie? Does it lie within the hand that squeezed the orange, or within the orange it self? (Take a moment to answer this question before reading on.) Now, when your child (the hand) squeezes you (the orange) and anger (spoiled brown juice) comes out of you, where does the problem lie? It lies within the parent as it does with the orange.

The tricky part is to know the difference between accepting responsibility and blaming. Whenever we say, "You are the one responsible", that can be the same as blaming. This is a very thin line. So, how can you tell when you are blaming? Whenever you are blaming, that means I am focusing on the problem, and focusing on the problem will alway produce negative feeling within you. When you are accepting responsiblity you are focused on the solution. Thinking about the solution alway produce positive feeling within you. Because the solution is alway within you. Let your feelings guide you. Oh, by the way whatever you give your attention (focus) to expands.

I believe the most effective way to parent is for us to learn how to manage our thoughts and feelings to the point where we can re-connect to our Source at will. In doing so, we access divine intelligence and allow our Source to do the actual parenting, who is the true parent of the children anyway. By using this infinite resource, we will be inspired with the perfect words, action and timing, tailored to the individual child. Who else knows your children better then their Creator?

With this kind of assistance we parent with the precision of a surgical laser. No trauma (drama), just joy, growth and healing.

Whenever we parent from a place of ego, we blame our children for how we feel and behave. Blaming our children strips them of their spirit, and ego sees nothing wrong with that. However, when we parent from spirit, we accept responsibility for our feelings and behavior, and by default we build our children up with the clarity of our example.

The best way to do this, is to reconnect to our Source first. We do this by managing our thoughts, feelings and behavior to the best of our ability, without self-judgement. (Meditation is an exceptional life management tool!).

Like anything else, this type of parenting needs to be practiced before you see success. I assure you it is worth the effort. It will not only create a deeper harmonious relationship with your children, but will touch all areas of your life as well.



Quote of the month:

1) Ego punishes. Spirit heals.

The Rain

2) Whenever in doubt, do nothing.

Deepak Chopra



In our next issue

I believe many parents see their children as their "property". The problem with this mentality is that what ever we own we do not see as equal to us, since we have dominion over it.

Take our cars for example, we own them, we love them, but we don't respect them. If we are honest with ourselves we can see the evidence of that in how we treat our children. We would never talk to, or treat our adult friends or family memeber like we do our children.

That same unequal treatment is seen in how the genders are treated differently in the work place. Men make more money for the same job that a woman do. Women are not seen as equals.

If we can make a small but significant shift in our thinking and see our children as equals, we will realize that our children are not properties that belong to us. They simply have been entrusted to us! (What a privilege!) If this shift in consciousness can be made, it would become clear that our children, are children of the Universe, the true parent.

We then can let go and focus more on our relationship with our parent, the Universe, and allow the guidance and inspiration through. This my friends, is parenting at its best!




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